“To be born the eldest son in a Chinese family can be either a boon or a bane. If the parents are loaded, chances are you will be the first to inherit some of their assets not only for yourself but also for your eldest son. On the other side of the coin, if your parents are poor you can be expected to do your part and bring in the bacon.
Eldest Brother fell into the second category at a very young age. At the tender age of 15, he was forced to give up his schooling and went to work in a shop selling crockery and kitchenware. When Tip Top bread found its way to our hometown, he immediately became one of their earliest vendors.
It was tough for him to hold two jobs but he never complained. Instead he revelled in his role as provider for his siblings. He played the role of an obedient son and a dutiful brother incredibly well.
He had a vision for his younger charges. His message was simple. “Aim high. If you aim high, your children will also aim high. Likewise, if you aim low your children will do the same.” It was because of this vision that he was prepared to go the extra mile for his siblings and later on his own children. He wanted a better tomorrow for all of us. His vision inspired us all.
He also wanted us to support one another in good and bad times, all in the name of lifting the family honour. Like the anchor of a ship, he was prepared to take a dive so that the passengers on board the ship could enjoy stability in the most severe of storms.
Unfortunately for him, he never got to savour success. Life was cruel to him. He encountered several setbacks.
His first setback came in 1982 with the premature demise of his younger brother. He was our brightest and most promising star. We made available all our resources, however meagre to help him become an engineer. For a while it seemed that we were on our way to better things but his early demise shattered all our hopes of security and stability.
We spent the rest of the decade nursing our wounds that were both financial and emotional. We spent each working day fighting little and sometimes big fires. Things were so desperate. The cupboard was completely bare. It was not a time for those with egg shell temperament.
The second setback came when Eldest Brother had to close his loss-making bakery which he shared with his second sister. The money for the business came entirely from his two younger brothers. It wasn’t difficult to see why the bakery failed. The high costs involved in keeping the dilapidated machines in running order plus the intense competition present in a small market meant that survival not profitability became the most pressing issue day in and day out. When Eldest Brother decided to throw in the towel, one can almost hear the sound of his relief. The lack of success second time round shook Eldest Brother’s confidence right to the very core of his soul.
Looking back it was easy to pinpoint the reason why he entered such a lousy business. It was poverty that left him without many choices. When you’re poor your choices are limited. Of course, he wanted something easier and more profitable but there weren’t such opportunities due to a lack of capital. He was hamstrung!
If the 1980’s were difficult the events of the 1990’s were even more shocking. We tried very hard to help him succeed. Like true soldiers his siblings never abandon him even in the most trying of circumstances. Time again and again we helped pull him out of difficulties to return the favours he accorded us earlier.
In the middle of 1991, Eldest Brother came down with a stroke that rendered the left side of his body useless. Despite this setback he continued to soldier on for his family but the favour was never returned. There was hardly any empathy from those nearest to him. He must had shed a million tears in private as to his uselessness as a provider.
His setback was complete when he was abandoned by those closest to him. The reason given was that his siblings should look and provide for him just as he had done the same for them earlier. This was a pathetic excuse. Although was an awesome leader, his siblings were never useless parasites that took advantage of their benefactor. We played our part in the supply chain and we earned our keep.
The main reason for him being abandoned was financial. It was just too obvious. In the history of family from our grandfather down our family members had experienced two world wars, a civil war, a communist insurgency, tragedies and poverty but never abandonment by someone of our own.
The stroke that Eldest Brother suffered was not as severe as the rejection that he suffered at the hands of his own family. It was this act of betrayal that led him to a state of excruciating mental anguish. Isn’t it ironical that the anchor that provided stability and security to those who needed it most now found himself abandoned in the cold and murky waters?
To those who took financial delight in the deliberate act of abandoning Eldest Brother, the cost of dishonouring him is much higher than the act of abandonment lest they forget to do their sums. Likewise, to those who lightened their wallets to support him in the most difficult phase of his life, you are truly marvellous and may you be immeasurably blessed in all aspects of your life.
It has been six months since Eldest Brother passed on. He is now found in a place where there is neither pain nor sorrow. He is safe in the arms of Jesus who grant eternal rest to all who are tired and heavy-laden. ”
-M.K. Chng, brother of Chng Ming King
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Chinese version 中文譯文
生為長子在華人的家庭是福也是難。如果父母有錢，長子將是第一個繼承財產的人，連他自己的長子，即是家族的長孫也分一杯羹。反之，如果父母貧窮，長子就得幫忙養家。
大哥從小就屬於不幸的第二類。十五歲那年，他輟學，到一家家居用品店打工。當TipTop麵包賣到我們的城鎮來的時候，大哥成為最早的一批販賣者。
一人兼兩份工作，他很苦，不但不抱怨，還樂于擔起養育弟妹的責任。他甘心當個服從的兒子、擔當的兄長。
他帶領弟妹建構一個簡單美好的願景：人往高處望。他說，如果你有遠大的目標，你的孩子也會學習你把眼光放遠。因為這份願景，他不怕為弟妹，為他自己的孩子多吃點苦。他要我們擁有一個更美好的明天，他的夢想激勵了大家。
他也要求手足之間，不管順境逆境，都要互相扶持以守家族清譽。身為長兄，他不懼縱身一躍，垂沉海底為錨，為求船里的家人在風雨飄搖中安然無羔。
但命運對他是殘酷的，甘美，他不曾嘗過；挫傷，卻經歷了好幾回。
第一次挫敗是在1982年，他的弟弟英年早逝。他是我們家中最出色、最讓人充滿期待的一位。家人胼手胝足為造就他成為一位工程師。美好的日子似乎就在眼前，但他的驟逝粉碎了家人所期待的苦盡甘來的日子。
我們用了近十年的時間來治療經濟上和情感上的傷口，每一天的勞作都是和大大小小的生活挑戰搏鬥。環境越來越嚴峻，家無隔夜糧，只要軟弱一點都挺不過去。
第二次挫敗是大哥被迫結束與二姐共營的賠本的麵包店生意。麵包店的週轉資金由兩位弟弟掏腰包而來。要了解麵包店為何賠本並不難。陳舊的製麵包機器須高成本維修、市場小而競爭大，不要說賺錢，僅是週轉求存，日出日落，急如風火。當大哥決定撒手不幹，我們幾乎 聽到他如釋重負的噓聲，但這次的失敗令大哥的自信徹底崩潰了。
回顧過去，似乎很容易怪罪他為何貿然投資一盤這麼差勁的生意，但一個走到窮途末路的人，他沒有選擇的餘地。他當然希望做些容易又能賺錢的投資，但沒有資金，機會是零。
如果八十年代是苦澀，那九十年代便是驚濤駭浪。眾弟妹中，無一不盡力在事業上拉大哥一把。像忠心耿耿的士兵，他的弟妹在最危難的時刻依然對他不棄不捨。有謂飲水思源，當他一次又一次陷在泥濘中，我們一次又一次伸出援手。
一九九一年年中，大哥中風導致左半身不遂，但他依然為妻兒的生活掙扎打拚，但他的付出得不到回報。與他最親近的人對他沒有一絲同理心，或許他暗地里為自己的無用、未能盡責而灑了千千萬萬顆淚珠
當他生命中最親近的人將他遺棄，這一次，他完完全全被擊敗了！遺棄他的人給予的理由是，既然他對弟妹養育有恩，就該由弟妹反哺。這是個毫無理由的藉口。雖然大哥撫育我們，但我們從未像寄生蟲一樣佔他便宜。我們對大哥感恩回報，並以自己的雙手謀生。
他被遺棄的主要原因再明顯不過，他已失去了經濟能力。我們的家族從祖父母輩到這一輩經歷二次大戰、國共內戰的艱苦時代，悲劇和窮困當前，我們不曾捨棄任何一位血脈相連的親人。
大哥中風所嘗到的痛苦並不比被妻兒遺棄所帶給他的痛苦來得劇烈。這場親情的背叛導致他歷盡精神煎熬的酷刑。一位以己身為錨，帶給家人安穩的生活的人，到頭來卻被遺忘于冷洌的濁水中，這不是充滿諷刺嗎？
對那些尋求安逸而遺棄大哥的人，羞辱自己的生父和遺棄自己的生父這兩項罪過相比，前者會向他們追討更大的代價。而那些在大哥最苦難的時刻而雪中送炭的人，你們都是可敬的，祝你們蒙受無限的助佑。
大哥離世已半年了，他如今在一個沒有憂傷和痛苦的地方安息。一如耶穌賜給勞累和負重擔的人永生，他現在安枕於耶穌的雙臂里……
-Angeline
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Response from a family friend.
“ A BIG question mark has left behind, unanswered.
There can be no closure of this case until someday somehow, lightning strikes as it were, that someone finally comes to his senses and unveils the misery silence of the lonely soul.
There is a right time for everything:
A time to find
A time to lose;
A time for keeping
A time for throwing away;
A time to tear
A time to repair;
A time to be quiet
A time to speak up;
A time for loving
A time for hating;
A time for war
A time for peace.
~ Ecclesiastes 3: 6 - 8 ~
May Chng Dai Gor( Big Brother in Cantonese) rest in peace.
Amen. ”
- Petrina
